When will I get laid?
by Gwyndolyn Slim
Summary: Zuko thought that being a virgin only meant that the person just never had sex before, he never knew he had to educate anyone about what sex is, or about sexual urges. Didn't the monks teach him sex ed 100 years ago? First Zaang one shot, now many shots.
1. Chapter 1

It's four in the morning, and I started this at around 12ish. I'm new to the entire Zaang fandom, well, not entirely new. I've come to this fandom a few times before in the past, back when Avatar was in the anime section and had frequent stories and such. I'm hardly on fan fiction anymore, but when I am, I always feel an urge to write something and post it. So here it is. My first Zaang one shot. I hope you enjoy it (Not really, just read it already. It's only two pages.)

…...

Zuko honestly believed that there were six-year-old children out in the world who knew more about sex than his boyfriend for six months, Aang, did.

The reason behind Zuko believing this was because Aang had no idea what the terms, "nocturnal emissions" and "erections" meant. When Aang had asked him what they meant, Zuko was fully prepared to just slam the younger (technically older) male up against a wall, and teach him what they meant _his _way. But that would be wrong, and since Aang is still a virgin, (an adorably innocent virgin with the cutest grey eyes Zuko has ever seen) Zuko couldn't do much of anything besides educate his boyfriend.

Pinching the bridge of his nose in order to get rid of the tell tale headache, Zuko began to think of ways to tell his adorable boyfriend without causing mental scarring, scaring him off, or worse, a fight and potential break up. God he hated how innocent he was, but at the same time, he loved it, craved for it, obsessed over it…

He cleared his throat before he ended up whipping out his fiery cock and "teach" Aang what exactly an erection is. And by teaching him that, Aang will experience his first nocturnal emission about Zuko. "Yes, I shall be the first…" he mumbled to himself.

"What was that Zuko?" Aang had turned around from his spot on the sandy beach where Zuko had taken them. It was a nice secluded area where they could do anything they liked without getting peeped at. Yes, it was the perfect little spot. Aang had even made a small picnic, strictly vegetarian, though, much to Zuko's annoyance. But, eh, he had to make a few sacrifices for his soon-to-be lover.

"Nothing, just thinking…" He had said in a louder voice. "Thinking about how I'll educate you, heh." He then said in a much small voice.

"Quit your mumbling and come over here, Mr. Anti-social."

With a sigh, Zuko got up from his spot at the top of a medium sized bolder and went over to Aang. Aang patted the spot next to him, then giggled when Zuko had plopped himself down on the sand. Aang immediately clutched onto him and planted his lips onto his boyfriend's. This was totally not how Zuko was going to do this. He needed to separate himself from Aang, before he-

He then slammed Aang onto the ground, licking and sucking at the smaller boy's neck. His hands were racing all over the soft pale skin. Going lower, and lower, and lower, Zuko almost made it past the elastic to Aang's pants, when Aang said: "Zuko, what is this poking and prodding?"

Zuko's erection, along with his brain, had a huge "what the fuck" moment. If it weren't for the fact that Zuko thought he had the cutest expression on his face (it was the one where he would just look up to you so innocently. Add a small blush to it, and you have the cutest expression in the world!) he would have just gotten up and left Aang at the beach. Along with taking the picnic basket with him, a guy's gotta eat, right?

Zuko could barely contain himself, he was horny, Aang already looked completely fuckable at the moment, and they were outside. So he was feeling a little kinky as well. It was just that face and that question, how could he say no to that face? How could he just ignore the question when faced with that adorable expression? It was baffling, and Zuko had no idea to ignore both and to just continue on with his soon-to-be love making, or rather, soon-to-be fucking. Either or was fine with him.

"The poking and prodding that is going on is my erection, Aang." He said dully.

"There's that word again! What is that?"

Zuko got off of Aang and sat up, his hard on throbbing and his tears of dissatisfaction about to bubble up to the surface. He really, really, REALLY, needed to get laid.

"An erection is when a massive amount of blood flows down to your penis because of sexual urges."

"What kinds of sexual urges?"

Will it ever end, because it doesn't seem like it will anytime soon. Not as long as Aang had questions about this topic. And as long as Aang had a question, the longer Zuko, and his penis, had to wait in order to be fulfilled. If you look at it in a certain way, it almost appears to be sadistic. Damn adorable ukes…

"Like, for example, right about now."

"How?"

Zuko was beginning to think about the idea of forced sex. The term 'rape' was a little too strong, and he doubted Aang even knew of the word. But, just to keep it safe, he'd call it "forced sex".

"You and I on the ground kissing as passionately as we were, is a sexual urge because when someone is kissing another person as intensely as we were, it could create a bit of friction and, well, it makes me really want to have sex."

"And sex is the only way to get rid of these urges?"

"Sex, Masturbation, there's a ton of things out there that can relieve sexual urges. But, sex is the most common one."

"Oh, I understand now!"

Good, maybe now we can have sex instead of yammering on about this, Zuko thought.

"So, now what do we do?"

And the ever famous awkward silence has made itself known. Zuko looked up at the setting sun, feeling his sexual desires go down with it. God he hated explaining things, and he hated how much his erection was dying at each passing moment. He was never going to get laid, at least not tonight that is. There's always tomorrow.

…...

Yeah, like I said, two pages. Now, you can either review, or leave. If I were you, I'd leave a review. I just might add more to this if you want me to. Chances are, I will, but then again, there's the slim chance of me not doing it because of the high probability of me just being lazy. So yeah, two paged one shot. Reviewing = You actually giving a damn. It's 4:14. G'night.


	2. A bit of AU

Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar….

There really was no explanation for today's events. Zuko had planned everything out perfectly, and still, there were obstacles in his path of happiness. Namely a seventeen-year-old Native American version of Wonder Woman, he'd rather not say her name at the moment. He'd heard it too many times today.

Sitting in his family's kitchen, his sister, Azula, giggled as she watched her older brother nurse his throbbing head with an icepack. The injury he had gotten from Wonder Woman. She got up out of her seat, pressing the pack of frozen water closer to his head. It just made his headache worse, she didn't really need to know that. She was trying to help at this point. Zuko thought that she was just pitying him, but when she saw the genuine care in her eyes, he thought otherwise.

"You know, Zuko, you don't have to put up with her,"

Zuko didn't even take that into consideration, "I have to. The only reason why Aang puts up with me is because I put up with Wonder Woman,"

"Wonder Woman?" She gave him an unimpressed look. He obviously read too many DC Comic books.

"What? It's her nickname whenever she's not around. If I call her Wonder Woman to her face, she'll take it as a compliment and then think of some DC comic's super hero to name me. She'd probably pick someone stupid, like the Human Torch, or someone as lame as him,"

Azula rolled her eyes, not even bothering to remember just who the Human Torch was or what comic he came from.

"Zuko, you have to put your foot down with her eventually!" She leaned forward with her hands on her hips, her face a mere couple of inches away from his.

He sighed, she grinned. He shook his head and then stood up, throwing the icepack into the (surprisingly) empty sink. He grabbed his car keys that he had thrown on the counter earlier, hooking them on his belt loop.

"Where are you going?"

"To Toph's house,"

Azula's expression brightened for a moment when she heard the blind girl's name, she quickly put back on her smug look.

"Why's that? What can she do to help you?"

Zuko made his way to the door, "She knows Katara pretty well, plus she keeps secrets despite her being a motor mouth." he opened the door, walking out after shoving his feet in his shoes, Azula hot on his trail.

"Can I come?"

"I don't know, can you?"

She noticed his tone then looked down. Their father was against her associating with Zuko's friends. He normally kept her inside, only allowing Tai Lee and Mae over whenever he was off from work, which was pretty rare. She looked up, newborn determination in her eyes. She held her older brother's hand, squeezing them with a large grin on her face. Even though, she strived to please her father, she could only take so much. It was time for her to live a little.

Zuko smiled, then released his hand from his sister's powerful grip. She looked hurt at first, but then smiled when he patted her head. She had never felt this way before, but she sure wished that he had done this to her when she was a little girl.

As soon as the genuine smile was there, it disappeared and her usual smug smirk was in it's place. Zuko shook his head.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" She walked calmly in front of her brother, towards his black Mercedes. She stopped at the passenger seat, turning and smirking at her brother, "Come on, it's not like her parents are going to let us in if we don't get there before dark,"

"Shit, you're right," Zuko walked hurriedly towards his car. He unlocked it, and they both got in quickly. After igniting the engine, and getting out of the drive way, they drove three miles to Toph Bei Fong's house.

Zuko rang the door bell, jiggling the plastic bag full of sweets and candies in his hand. Azula had questioned why they had to stop at Walgreens for some candy, Zuko had answered her truthfully. Toph only gives advice if she gets something that she wants in return. It was a good deal (not really). Zuko had spent seven dollars and fifty cents on an assortment of candies, just for a few choice words, a smug look, and an uncaring shrug. He sneered a bit when no one had yet to answer the door, this damn better be worth it.

Unfortunately for the both of them, Toph's father answered the door, which meant that his wife was home as well. This transaction would serve difficulties from here on out. Toph's father honestly and truly believed that Zuko was a rapist of some sort, and didn't trust him alone with his daughter for no more than half of a millisecond. To be truthfully honest, Zuko hated her father just as much as he hated him. They both never really got along, and whenever Toph's mother called her for something whenever Zuko was over, her father would walk around the corner, almost magically. It was unnerving, but most of all, it was annoying. Zuko always had to have a damn obstacle in his path whenever it came to his friends (Aang and Toph).

"Hello Mr. Bei Fong, is Toph home?" Zuko asked in fake politeness.

"Yes, she is home. What are your intentions with my daughter? And what is in that bag that you have there?" Mr. Bei Fong glared daggers at Zuko, and he gladly returned with nukes. There was no way Zuko would let some old bastard keep him from the first person who ever took him seriously and befriended him.

Azula looked in between the both of them, inching towards the door. It was getting chilly outside, and she could feel the warmth radiating out of the house, warming her skinny arms and legs that were exposed to autumn chill. Looking up at her brother, she felt another chill go down her back as she watched his expression go from annoyed to homicidal. She'd have to wrap this up quickly, or they'd never get inside.

"Mr. Bei Fong, I can assure you, as his sister, Zuko will not do anything indecent to your daughter in my presence," She hugged her elbows slightly, she was getting cold.

He smiled down at her, a smile that any father would give to their little girl. Of course! Why didn't Zuko think of that before? Of course this old man would favor women, he's a father and has a daughter. He'll automatically trust any woman who comes knocking at his door, claiming to know Toph. It's happened before.

"Forgive me, young lady, I didn't see you. Please, come in, both of you,"

Zuko walked in, catching the glare that Mr. Bei Fong sent him. He glared back, but just to piss him off, added a sultry smirk on his face, licking his lips for added affect. Mr. Bei Fong paled, then increased his glare. He couldn't do anything now, his wife is now greeting them and offering them tea. He sighed, then turned to his office, he'd just watch the security cameras he had installed in Toph's room. He'd know if anything fishy went down.

Zuko knocked before walking into the expansive room that belonged to his sister like best friend. A powerful force caused him to land almost painfully on his back. He looked up at his sister, who was glaring down at him, Azula was obviously jealous of the attention Toph was giving him and not her. He'd gladly give her the blind little girl, she was currently trying to pop the eyeballs out of his sockets by hugging him alone. He looked down (with much effort), and saw two rows of pearly white teeth. Of course she was grinning, she always did whenever Zuko was around. She rubbed her face into his chest, kicking her small feet against she thighs. The mantra; 'Zuko, Zuko, Zuko, Zuko, Zuko' flowing out of her large mouth. She hadn't seen him in a while, of course she was excited.

"Hello to you too, Toph," he croaked out. She was crushing his lungs. He looked up at Azula, begging for help. She grunted then turned away, her nose high in the air. Was this really the time to be arrogant? "Toph, you're crushing me…,"

She giggled, releasing her grip, opting to sit on his chest rather than to crush it in her punishing grip. He reached up and patted her head, catching Azula's jealous stare. First she was jealous because Zuko had been getting more attention that she had been, and now she's jealous because Toph is getting the same attention she had been getting no less than an hour before. How strange Zuko almost laughed at her, she needed to make up her mind.

After a few moments of laughs, chuckles, and the occasional giggle, Toph had helped the much larger and older boy to his feet.

Plopping down on her bed, Zuko considered getting straight to the point, but tossed it aside when he remembered the last time he had came over strictly for business. Toph had thrown a fit, not liking how he only came over if he only needed advice. Forgetting to be flattered instead of angry, she made him stay for an unnecessary two hours, forcing him to read her stories, listen to music with her, and tussle around in her room. Although, Zuko had lots of fun, he was reprimanded by his father when he arrived at the important dinner that he had informed his oldest son about. Zuko had to publicly apologize to every guest that arrived at the dinner. It had not been a very good night that night.

Zuko sighed, thinking of ways to get Toph to get his advice, when he remembered that he had spent almost eight dollars getting her an assortment of sugary treats. He reached inside the bag, pulling out strawberry lollipop that was supposed to have a bubblegum center. He twirled it in between his index, middle finger, and thumb, smiling at how such a small treat could get him so much.

"Hey, Toph, come here for a second," Toph got up from her spot on the floor. She walked towards her bed, feeling around for where Zuko may be. She found him, and sat a few centimeters away from him.

She heard the crumpling of plastic, curiosity prickling at her like pins and needles "What's with the bag, Firecracker?"

"Oh, this? This is your payment if you give me what I ask for,"

She scrunched her nose, "You came her for business only, didn't you! I thought I told you-,"

"I bought you some candy,"

Her childish nature kicked in when she heard that candy would be involved. She loved candy, especially lollipops. They were hard as rock without the grainy feeling in her mouth. It was the perfect combination for her. She licked her lips discreetly before wiggling her toes, feeling some sort of substance in between her toes. She ignored the feeling, not wanting to gross out her older friend.

"What kind of candy?"

"Oh, you know, all sorts," he picked up the bag, jiggling it in his grasp. He chuckled when he saw her ears perk up when she heard the crumpling of different sorts of items inside the bag. This would never get old.

"I need a bit of advice, Toph,"

The bed dipped when Azula sat down next to the blind girl. It creaked when she laid down on her side, getting comfortable on the large bed.

Zuko glared at her, she smiled.

"Ok, what kind of advice?" She was feeling a little generous at the moment. No doubt it was because of the candy that she was promised for her services. Zuko would have to do this more often.

"Dating advice. Remember when I told you I was in a relationship with Aang,"

"And Katara wouldn't leave you or me alone,"

"Yeah, how do you make her stop?" He was sitting up right now, leaning into the blind girl who could easily be seen as a prophet of some sort.

She chuckled, crossing her arms and legs, wide smirk on her chubby face, her eyes closed. She was definitely going to give him some good advice this time.

An hour later, Zuko was racing down the stairs excitedly. Toph had given him great advice, and now, he had to use it to his advantage. Toph was officially his favorite for the week. He'd have to think of a nickname for her too, someone from Marvel. DC isn't cool enough for her.

As he burst through the double doors, Azula apologizing and closing the door behind him, he threw open the car door and ignited the engine, almost leaving launching out of the drive way without his little sister. She had seethed at him, but he hardly noticed her. He had to make his way to Aang's house before it gets too dark. He checked the dashboard, it was nearly ten at night. If he didn't get there soon, Aang wouldn't let him in. Something about a strict curfew his landlord gave him, since he was only sixteen.

He parked sloppily in the parking lot, thundering up the stairs towards his boyfriend's apartment. Tonight, he thought to himself, is the night.

He fiddled with his keys until he found the correct one that matched with the door. Opening it, he burst in and saw Aang sitting on the couch, watching the last few kid cartoons that Cartoon Network aired before they put on Adult Swim. He was in his pajamas, planning on going to bed as soon as Adventure Time went off.

Aang looked at the disheveled Zuko and the angry Azula. He laughed wholeheartedly, patting this seats to him. Azula sat down almost immediately after the offer was up.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Aang picked up the remote, turning off the television.

Zuko should have never allowed Azula to come with him to Aang's house, in fact he should have taken her home. She had told him his entire plan. Sweet talk, juice, and then sex. Of course, Aang loved the first two, it's just when he realized that the first two led up to the final one, is when he had glared endlessly at Zuko. Why didn't he realize this before? This entire predicament could have been avoided if he had not been feeling generous towards his younger sister. He blamed himself for this entirely. Now, he was dealing with an angry boyfriend, who just so happened to kick him out of his apartment after calling him a perverted jerk.

It was now midnight, and Azula was still laughing at Zuko as laid in bed, wishing his stupid sister away.

"Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in Aang's bed?"

She closed the door before the pillow could connect to her face.

"Don't worry ZuZu! Aang'll let you in sooner or later!"

He caught the innuendo, it made him want to vomit. He screwed his eyes shut, trying his hardest to get to sleep. Unfortunately for him, Azula's horse laugh was keeping him up. He was beginning to favor Katara over Azula.

A/N: Oh, hello. I know I told most of you that I won't be adding another chapter to When will I get laid. Well, I got bored one day and ended up writing another Zaang one shot. It oozes fail, I know. My thighs are on fire and I'm kinda tired. I knew I should have gotten that redbull…review if you wanna. I just might add another.


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